I didn’t come up with this – but I edited it, and made it into a more organized list.
Original List found here.
Now, without further ado:
The Dungeons and Dragons Critical Fumble Chart.
1. Your weapon, bored of the routine, decides to stop existing.
1.5. Your weapon decides to exist again, claiming that non-existence is much more boring than existence.
2. Your personal gravity reverses. You now fall up, rather than down, for 1d8 minutes, or until gravity notices, turns its big ugly head your way and asks “What the #$%@ is going on over here?!?”
3. You hit normally. After the battle, a meteor strikes your character’s head. If the character is not wearing a helmet, instant death. If your character is wearing a helmet, they are struck unconscious for 1d4 days. If they are indoors, they take 1 sub-dual damage. If the character is underground, the meteor patiently waits until the character steps outside before striking.
4. A Succubus begins to follow your character around, under the impression that your character’s first-born male child will become a nexus of power so great, that he’ll rule the world, and she wants to mother him for a seat of power. If the Succubus is successful, then exactly 1 year later, she tracks down the character. The child was born female, and the Succubus is mad as hell.
5. You cut yourself for 1 point of damage, and blood falls to the ground. A local cave of Land-sharks catch the scent on the wind.
6. Suddenly, every sentient creature within 200 miles of you is aware of who you are, what you look like, and what your surface thoughts are for the next 4d6 minutes.
7. The area around you changes itself to a zone of truth.
8. Your worst enemy gains a level.
9. Your nightmare manifests itself inside your home. It becomes bored of waiting for you. It becomes a master of all the board games you own.
10. A pirate ship crashes into your character. Regardless of where your character is.
11. You gain one level in Paladin, and the appropriate alignment. If you are already a Paladin, gain one level in Barbarian.
12. Your face melts off, but you don’t notice or take damage.
13. Your weapon turns into a flower-shaped baton. Every time you strike an enemy, it grows a flower on its head instantly, and takes 1 damage per round X the number of times it’s been hit with the flower baton. The weapon changes back after the battle.
14. Your enemies pity your failure, and walk away. No one gets any experience, or any treasure. Wounds and used items, still remain however.
15. You hit the enemy so hard, it knocks him into the 4th dimension. He abuses the powers of time. (cast time stop on the enemy, and remove the no damage rule)
16. Your character’s hair catches fire. Your character doesn’t notice why he’s taking 1d6 damage.
17. Everyone in the battle is abducted by an alien race, probed, and set back down on Earth with their memories erased. An awkward silence falls over the field. . .
18. Commercial break. All real life players are required to stand up, and do something else for 2d4 minutes.
19. Everyone in the battle, including yourself and your party members, makes an Attack of Opportunity against you. No matter where they are. No matter what condition they are in.
20. Rocks rise up from the ground, everyone within the area takes damage.
21. You cut a hole in the space-time continuum. Peering into the hole, you can see your character 20 years from now, and he can see you. However, as soon as he sees you, his features melt away until there’s nothing left but skin and bone. The hole disappears, and your opponent strikes you with a critical hit
22. Your character can no longer perceive any and all cake. He will not recognize the word, and he will not be able to sense the cake at all, even through touch.
23. The character slowly starts to realize a conspiracy involving the number 23. Any time anyone rolls a 23 after mods on anything ever, the character becomes insane (as if effected by the insanity spell), and constantly adds random numbers up to a total of 23.
24. The opponent smacks you. No damage, except for your pride.
25. The DM smacks the player. No damage, except for your pride.
26. Your pride smacks the DM. You are now the DM.
27. You switch bodies with a woman halfway across the world.
28. Your character’s heart grows three sizes. Your character’s heart bursts out of his chest.
29. Your character’s weapon turns into a beehive. A very angry beehive.
30. You cut yourself. “Funny, I don’t remember coating this sword with pois. . .”
31. All librarians now hate you, and will attack you on sight.
32. Your character shouts “I just lost the game.” However, he doesn’t know why, nor will he ever know.
33. Your character is now deathly allergic to fish.
34. Your weapon becomes sovereign-glued to your hand.
35. Wanted posters of your character are put up everywhere. Except your character is naked in every single poster.
36. You trip. Halfway across the world from you, a hurricane utterly destroys a town.
37. A third group of monsters who hate both your party and the current monsters ambushes the fight.
38. All your rations are turned into Lemon Custard Pies.
39. You are teleported to the nearest tavern. The bartender doesn’t say anything and just hands you a drink. On the house.
40. Your weapon transforms into a dire bee. A very angry, dire bee.
41. Your character becomes addicted to opium.
42. Your opponent becomes mad with power, thinking that you missed because you were afraid of his grand presence. He immediately leaves the battle and attempts to take over the world.
43. The McGuffin suddenly teleports in the middle of the room. The battle comes to a halt as both sides suddenly realize what has come into their midst.
44. Your character suddenly realizes that he doesn’t really exist. He is now ethereal until he thinks that he does exist. Then he becomes material again.
45. You and your entire party suddenly realize that you guys aren’t really the chosen ones fated to save destiny. You have no idea who they really are. You and your group were just in the right place at the right time. The party suddenly feels less confident.
46. You critical hit the planet you are standing on. Roll again. If you get a 20, the planet explodes.
47. A miniature gelatinous cube materializes inside your backpack. All Tiny objects inside are thus devoured.
48. Your shadow gains a life of its own. Finally free of your character, your shadow does what it has always wanted to do. Destroy the sun.
49. The legendary 5th dentist, the one that never agrees with the other 4 dentists, suddenly agrees with them. Chaos ensues.
50. Exactly 800 miles away, a merchant finds a gold piece on the ground. The gold piece is actually a phylactery of the Lich that is secretly targeting your party. The Lich reveals his cunning plan during the first encounter, but then suddenly becomes extremely paranoid as the sudden realization that someone may have melted that gold piece down dawns on him.
51. Your weapon turns into a Bear. A very angry bear.
52. Your character now has access to a “Manliness” skill, and gains 5 points in it. Your character can not gain anymore points in this skill. The manliness skill can be used as an added bonus for anything that may be deemed “badass” or “manly”. Or the character can use this skill to instantaneously grow a beard or moustache of the Player’s choosing. Note, that this skill is still usable by female characters.
53. Your character is mistaken for an animal and placed inside of a zoo. Anyone who hears your pleas for help ignore you, but are very impressed that such a savage beast can speak.
54. Your character wakes up at his nine-to-five job, with his boss yelling at him. It was all just a strange dream.
55. Your character misses and mutters a curse word so foul, that the demon lord of hell takes personal offense at it.
56. Your character now speaks a foreign language, but forgets how to speak his old one.
57. Your weapon turns into a Dire Bear. A very angry Dire Bear.
58. Your weapon turns into a can of spinach. If you eat the spinach, you gain +8 strength. Now if only you could open the can. . .
59. You become magnetized for 2d8 minutes. All metal objects within 15 fly at you and stick to your body and can not be removed.
60. You are now, by some inexplicable means, fully aware of whenever your characters best friend picks his nose. Even if you aren’t in the same planet as he is, you know. Your character’s best friend picks his nose once per every “charisma” hours. I.E., if he has 13 Charisma, than he picks his nose once every 13 hours.
61. A wizard in a place far from the battle field casts time stop. However, for an inexplicable reason, your character is aware of every painstaking second of it.
62. Your opponent becomes explosive to contact, but you don’t know this.
63. Your opponent becomes explosive to contact, and you and he both know it.
64. Your opponent becomes explosive to contact, and you know it, but he doesn’t.
65. 8 maids suddenly desire to milk you, in any way possible. Even if it means polymorphing you.
66. The enemy drives a cutting taunt into you that haunts you until your very death. “You fight like a dairy farmer.”
67. Your character has a bard’s curse placed onto him. The player using him must now speak in rhyme, or else anything he says is to be ignored by the DM, until the curse is lifted.
68. Your weapon turns into a bear eating a beehive. He’s very friendly and teaches you the “bear” necessities of life. Gain a level in Ranger.
69. Someone in a distant land curses your name for giving them bad directions to your house. You sneeze and provoke an Attack of Opportunity.
70. The character suddenly realizes that he could have been in the FATAL universe rather than the one he is in now. The character is frightened of this thought and takes a second look at his current life.
71. Your character does the Tango de la Muerte with a dance partner. The female partner becomes pregnant. Because it is the mystery of the dance. . .
72. The McGuffin turns into a muffin. Will save DC 15 once every 10 minutes to not eat the McGuffin muffin. Add +5 to the DC for every 2 hours the character hasn’t eaten.
73. A troll appears from nowhere and hands your character a handful of Sage. You sink slightly into the ground until your next turn.
74. Count every word you wrote down in your character sheet. Your character takes that much damage.
75. Your character now hates librarians, and will attack them on sight.
76. Your character becomes a loose-cannon cop on the edge who doesn’t play by the rules. Gain one level in Paladin, except this Paladin is Chaotic Good, and still retains his abilities.
77. Your new, personal arch-rival appears. He looks exactly like you, has all your abilities and items, except he is exactly 1/8th your size. And hates you.
78. Your character’s alimony officer catches up with you.
79. ALL of your character’s alimony officers catch up with you.
80. All of your character’s alimony officers and wives catch up with you.
81. Your character is now an atheist. He will now actively deny and antagonize every and all God, Clerics, Paladins, and Bards with divine spells, and polar bears. He’s not quite sure why polar bears, but he doesn’t believe in them.
82. The nearest Wizard PC now as the ability “Nerd Rage”. If anyone offends or upsets them, they can now Rage like a Barbarian, and will immediately attack that target, friend or foe.
83. Your character is now deathly afraid of the color yellow.
83.5. Your weapon turns into a dire yellow jacket. A sentient, friendly, and very clingy, yellow jacket.
84. Your party, in embarrassment, walks away, wanting to do nothing with you anymore for the remainder of the battle.
85. Close your eyes, and open up a random page of the monster manual, and point somewhere within there. That species is now completely extinct because of your great incompetence, and every single Druid on Earth is aware of it.
86. You, and everyone around you, friend and foe, break out into a dance, complete with 50’s jukebox music. However, you’re still fighting. Think “Westside Story”.
87. Eighty-eight men wearing bandit masks and suits, wielding Masterwork Bastard Swords, attacks your character.
88. Your target and you are both charmed as per the spell by the other one. You two become lifelong buddies.
89. Your hand starts glowing with an awesome power. The next thing you touch with your burning grip is destroyed.
90. The love of your life transforms into a cherry pie and a tall glass of water. Your DM is now obligated to tell you that this is a “sweet surprise.”
91. You sacrifice yourself to destroy the enemy. The world sheds a manly tear. Your character ascends to the halls of Valhalla.
92. The Legendary 5th dentist hunts you down. Apparently, you had an appointment for yesterday that you forgot about. The Legendary 5th dentist is not happy about being stood up.
93. Your weapon becomes sentient, and you, and only you, are able to detect it’s thoughts. However, every time your weapon strikes something or blocks something, it screams in a chilling, high-pitched, blood-curdling scream of agony. And after every battle, when you sheath the weapon, you can hear it softly crying and begging to be destroyed.
94. Your character trips so hard it flattens the world. Anyone above the equator doesn’t notice, but anyone below it falls of the earth into space.
95. Your party member suddenly decides that now would be the best time to reveal to you that they’ve slept with your significant other. Twice. On your birthday.
96. The next door you come across and it’s key both become sentient. However, the Key refuses to enter the door, under the context that they’re divorced and he wants nothing to do with that bitch. God help you if you force them together.
97. Roll again. Your character is under the impression that the new critical failure just happened and is fully aware of it, but your character is just being delusional.
98. Pun-Pun takes pity on your plight. He suddenly appears at your side and will fight beside you for the remainder of the battle. Any attempts to look Pun-Pun directly in the eye, speak with, or otherwise treat Pun-Pun as an equal will immediately bring Pun-Pun’s wrath on yourself and everyone you know.
99. You strike a passing butterfly. Immediately, a corpulent time traveler from the future appears before you and informs you that the death of that butterfly causes a chain reaction that it to rain apple pies every day in the place where you currently stand. Your name is forever associated with fat, pudgy overindulgent pie-eaters. Suffer a -4 to all Intimidate checks.
100. All of the above. At the same time. No saves. Final Destination.